Wednesday, October 12, 2005

New York, NY October 12, 2005

New York City Consigliere, photographer, verbose blogger, manhattan honcho, Chris London's
: "STRAIGHT UP AND WHACKY" ......Tales and confessions from inside the Big Apple life of a'How you doin' kind of guy, a really long book detailing his verbose tirades on the web, his rise from bridge and tunnel obscurity to a fun and fabulous life as a New York Sex God, "alleged" hit man and otherwise dodgey character in a major pre-emptive deal (including TV/film rights) to Judith "Big Pussy" Regansiero at Joey Bag O'Donuts Publishing, by Paulie Walnuts of the Guido Literary Agency. Paulie Walnuts of Guido Literary Agents will represent foreign rights (for book sales outside the NY/NJ region), on behalf of Bag O'Donuts Books. Christopher Moltisanti gets his 10% because ....well like it is not like you really need to know do ya? Bag O'Donuts Books was presented with an offer that they could not refuse when the Consigliere stated "gimme ten million or else I start tearing out pages." So rather than risk a horse's head in the Publisher's bed, the sum of $10 million was agreed to.

Walnuts speaking on behalf of Bag O'Donuts books states: "If you axed me, I would tell ya we would rather have had that
Alex Blagg guy. I mean shiite, that dude can write but wat da fuck eh, it seems these days that you do not need an original or the genuine article to make money selling books, capische? Look at dat fat red headed broad who promotes herself, like the next Carrie Bradshaw on diet pills. Just another narcissitic Manhattan female cliche who deep down hates herself....and gets pissed when anyone pokes fun at her. The only difference between her and Lauren Weisberger is that some guys would actually like to put a little Devil in Lauren's Prada. Wat da fuck did this Consigliere do that Blagg did not? Well for one, he profiled the little red headed douche-bag a little more extensively, if only a year later. Sure he coulda been perhaps a little more succinct and maybe have a greater sense of humor like A Tale of Two Broads. An advantage in signing the Consigliere, however, is that each of his entries read like a freakin book so this cuts down on the publishing cycle. We could have this beyotch putting out a dozen books faster than you can say The Devil Writes Nada." The Consigliere, after thanking his numerous male and female fans (both of them actually) stated "I really do believe that my success is larely due to following the 10 minute blogging rule (and then multiplying it by 10), intricate use of index cards for each posting as well as sucking up or doning knee pads to service anyone who would help me get ahead."

The Consigliere goes on (as usual) to say, "I learned that strategy from learning how the Greek Tragedy networked a friendship/alliance with This Fish, after being introduced to her by a lesser known blogger, Ari Goes Down. You see, This Fish gets even more hits and more traffic than the Greek Tragedy blog and is actually ranked higher, but there is no need to tell anyone that, shush!. Ari was also ceremoniously dumped from the Tragedy's links because she is guilty of well not having as "pretty in pink" or tragically cliched a blog or persona. That's too bad but indicative of the self absorbed networking character of the zaftig red-headed douche-bag. Besides which once the wannabe whiney Diva met The Fish, who needs Ari anymore right? This Fish gets more hits than both of their blogs. The Diva figured out Everyone Worth Knowing well before the book was written on the subject by someone else."

Mr. Walnuts stated further, "besides, look this
Alex Blagg guy is all the way out in the City by the Bay and I am not leaving Jersey to get on a freaking plane to talk to some guy who writes like a wise guy but lives 3,000 miles away. The Consigliere is paisan, sort of like the Tony Soprano of the blog world, and you know what even if the boss is not the best writer, I know who greases my wheel. We need a male voice to counter these Chic Slit wannabe types who would be far better off if they slit their own throats than attempting to slit the throat of anyone who critiques them. Whacking them would be sort of superfluous (and that is a big word for me even) cause der freaking whacked already if you catch my meaning. In my opinion, da problem with some of these dem der broads is that it all comes back to the "SAU-Seeche." Perhaps if they were gettin a regular feeding of the good ole Braciole they would shut their freaking traps. Their mouths run on like a drippy faucet with the freakin clap. And what's with chics who name themselves after "Fish"? Isn't that the last label a woman wants associated with herself? Go figure.